Thursday, October 29, 2009

Let's talk about bigfoot!!

I have faith.

Also, I've read too many books and viewed too many photos from the archives of the internets to NOT believe. (Also, I really WANT to believe. This helps to complete the illusion.)

Bigfoot. Sasquatch. Yeti. Chewbacca. They EXIST!! There have been eyewitness accounts from hicks living in trailers, isolated in the wilderness. Reports of loud, inhuman screams heard by couples with bad marriages living in the woods! Tales of city slickers with not even the slightest idea what they're doing getting EATEN in the grand canyon!!

They've even seen him on mars. MARS!!

MmmmHM. And you thought sasquatch was the man BEFORE. WELL. He wasn't. He was the sasquatch.

Then of course there's the classic video of the chick sasquatch that those famous guys filmed!! I mean, come ON! WHY would they give her, er....... lady lumps....... if it was a fake? Hm? HMMM? They were grown men! Of course they wouldn't be as immature as to..... Oh. Oh geez.

H-h-how could I have been so naive? I just... I wasn't expecting it! I TRUSTED them! But it was all a cruel prank worthy of a couple of drunken college drop-outs.

MEN ruined BIGFOOT! How COULD YOU!? You MONSTERS!! Men ruin EVERYTHING with their sick, cruel, immature JOKES! DARN YOU AND YOUR BUSTY APE SUITS TO HECK!!!!!

(Bigfoot? I still believe. Those jerks just smeared your reputation. It’s okay. We still love you. But a few good sightings might help your rep… jus’ sayin.)

*disclaimer: Not ALL men ruin everything. Just half of them. And not EVERYTHING, per say....

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Clicky pens

Pens with caps are complete nonsense. Who likes having to pull caps on and off all day? And the types of pens that come with caps are generally cheap little things that never write like they should.

Do pens even NEED caps? What is their purpose? Do they REALLY keep the pen from drying out, or is that just their gimmic for selling you an extra hunk of useless plastic? Or perhaps the pen cap is, rather than a carefully designed chunk of plastic made to be lost, actually a bi-product of the pen creation process, and it just coincidentally fit right on top of the pen, so they figured rather than throw em away, why not make them OUR problem instead?

Anyway, that's not the point. Clicky pens OWN.

And fountain pens? Okay, they're sleek and shiny, cap'n, and they write really pretty, but they're messy, their ink tastes TERRIBLE (don't ask how I know) and you have to refill halfway through each page! NONSENSE I TELL YOU!!

And so, back to the point, clicky pens are the GODS of the pen world. Yes, fountain pen may seem like a king, and cheap plastic capped pens may seem... erm... really... REALLY... uhhh... cheap? But clicky pens are the bureaucrats of writing utensil land!! Professional, full of ink and really annoying!!

Among other things, who doesn't feel important when they pull out their shiny clicky pen and smartly press down on the clicker with their thumb to produce a sharp click? Mhm. It says respect my pen or get smacked around and force fed a bottle of your crappy fountain pen ink.

*click click*

(also, in a tight spot it sounds like you're cocking the trigger on a very tiny shot gun (try finding a megaphone to make it louder and actually look like you're carrying a (alien ray) gun)) *BAM said the lady* check those nested parenthesis.


Now don't get me STARTED on highlighters.