Tuesday, March 9, 2010

On the Rocks

Let me be honest with you. Relationships are something that men and women came up with to make themselves less lonely and that God decided to use in order to continue our species on this earth. Now just because I tell you that God and man have gone and killed two birds with one stone doesn’t necessarily mean that I justify the means. Rocks can be a risky business.

There are so many different kinds of rock out there. For instance there’s granite, limestone, some more wealthy rocks like the stuff they get ore out of, and precious stones. Everyone wants to kill their birds with a diamond. The risky part is that sometimes you can’t really tell if it’s a diamond until you’ve rubbed at it for a while, gotten all the blemishes away to see the color. Some of them crumble upon first rub, revealing a dirty lump of coal. Lumps of coal just aren’t ideal bird killing weapons. They are soft, leave your hands blackened and never put the toilet seat down. Do not waste your time with a lump of coal.

Another kind of rock would be sediment. This rock has been built up of different layers of earth and fossils over a span of many, many years. If you are willing to put up with all the fossils of other attempted rock throwers then this rock might be pretty decent for knocking some avians out of a tree. You can see the pattern that the years have worn onto this rock and so you know that, to an extent, it is dependable. Of course they can always surprise you have some kind of midlife crisis. That would be the drawback of throwing a sedimentary rock.

Now although everyone is out to get themselves a precious stone like a diamond or an emerald, I should warn you that these rocks aren’t always useful either. The small, perfect ones are no good for killing birds. They are expensive and insignificant, and will cost you far more than they’re really worth. Plus you’ve no indication of where they’ve been. Unless you’ve an air rifle to fire it out of, you’re unlikely to kill anything. You could get lucky, I suppose, if the birds were to graciously line themselves up just right. But it’s better to look for bigger, less perfect precious stones.

Of course I’ll not guarantee that you won’t find the perfect stone for you. You might find something hefty, tough and aerodynamic. Even these, on occasion, will defect though. I’m afraid that while a large percent of rock throwers manage to kill the offspring bird, many only manage to stun the loneliness bird.

Some people get stuck chucking rock after rock at the nefarious loneliness bird until they drop dead of age. Hail the lucky few that get their birds on the first try. May they die early and leave their rocks for someone else to chuck.